Nifty Gifty's Part One

Your life is probably not complete without these products.

Scratch the probably. The following items would put us well on our way to world peace if everyone were to have them. These are real items that are actually selling in vast numbers. 

For all of you that wake in the night, twisted in the sheets from the type of sheer panic that only crushed fruit can bring...your salvation is here. I bring you:

The Banana Guard

This handy snack device manages to be both horrifyingly phallic and marketed towards small children all at the same time! The perfect stocking stuffer! Pun completely intended because I am filled with class and sophistication.

The Gin and Titonic

 

This nifty gift lets you create "Titanic" shaped ice cubes, along with matching "Icebergs" so you can recreate a terrible american tragedy that killed hundreds of people, right there in your own cocktail glass!! 

The Portable-Drive-N-Grill

George Forman created an empire, but he failed to see the new horizon: sizzle your beef right there on the highway! 

This compact, space-saving grill conveniently plugs into your car's AC adapter, letting you cook and grill all at 55 miles per hour. The fun! The whimsy! The accidental death!

The motorized Moo-Mixer

For the chocolate milk fan in your life who already has everything...

This effortless cup takes all that awful, strenuous stirring out of the process.

Just pour in your milk, add the chocolate, and let the Moo-Mixer whisk away the last shred of your will to move, exercise, or use both hands!

Run, Run I tell you, To your closest mall!